Because this is all that separates me from being one of them. Filled with loathing and hate, and above all, willing to evangelize and spread this gospel of aggression, preaching that it is easier to persecute and destroy than it is to protect and create. The notion of a rich, miserable and cruel man is very real to me.

Because people are turning all around, and I'm wondering if I'm like a hippy of yore, talking and thinking in generalizations, and wishing with futility that the world would become a better place.

Because I notice the lapses in spelling grammar and reasoning that are starting to surface in my sentences that are beyond my control and which really REALLY frighten me... I feel like I have multiple sclerosis or alzheimer's... like my mind and body are betraying me. I hope I'm just burnt out.

Because I could focus on something neutral, like stocks and shares, or a hobby, or getting organized to distract myself from the all-pervading nullity that is work, from the insidious, creeping, nihilism that drags itself, dark and blotchy across the floor of the marketplace in through the back doors to our souls. But that would be selling out in a way that I would not be able to forgive myself for doing.

Because I have been redeemed for blood, but have misplaced this somewhere along the line.

Because I believe that there are good people who care.

My insides scream out that I should wish a curse on the plastic toys masquerading as people that I see everyday. But the Lord of my house only wants me to wish forgiveness.

I am in a quandry, still a boy scout at this age.